Parents charge young adult $87k in "back rent" they claim was accrued over 5 years of living with them: 'They don’t need the money, and I genuinely thought the “rent” was a budgeting exercise'

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Oct 28, 2025 9:00 AM EDT

A grown child finds out that what they thought was a budgeting lesson was actually a five-year rent tab, and now their parents want 5 years of rent and expenses, totalling $87,000, back.

Money is a means of control, and these parents certainly mean to wield it. And, for parents, this is some real landlord-type behavior.

I don't think anyone who has ever paid their own expenses would ever argue that asking an adult for a contribution towards living expenses is unreasonable. But, I suspect, that is maturity and responsibility that comes with knowing just how much money needs to be burnt every month just to keep up with the most basic expenses. And know that adding yet another person to the household will only increase those expenses and might cut margins that were razor-thin down to being entirely unmanageable. 

Still, it would be reasonable to expect that if someone was expecting incremental payments from you, they would actually seek to collect those payments, not hit you with them all at once, 5 years down the track. Especially when it's your own parents you're continuing to live with, or moving back in with, it's a little harder to establish different ground rules and change a dynamic that has existed since "forever." And when you're the "kid" in the arrangement, it can be a little hard to stomach having to pay your parents rent.

Still, when you're a kid or young adult trying to find your feet, money to live on is hard to come by, and it becomes a means of control for parents, employers, or others who might seek to take advantage of you or steer you wrong. Looking at the sum of the value of 5 years of rent in this way is a great reminder of what a privilege it is to have a family that can afford to put you up for any extended length of time. That amount of money saved in rent could well go towards a house deposit or otherwise fund a future.

$87k is a lot of money to have in savings and even more money to owe someone. It does stand to reason here that there was an original "agreement" that the young adult simply didn't expect their parents to uphold, and that does carry some weight. But overall, the timing of everything makes this seem like there is some other way they are now living their life that their parents don't like, and their parents are using this as a way to reel them back in.

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  • "I assumed this was their way of teaching me to budget or save responsibly, not something they actually expected to collect. My mom even said she thought my dad’s plan was to make sure I was saving."

    A mother stands in the doorway arguing with her teenaged son
    via Curated Lifestyle For Unsplash+

    The image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • AITA for refusing to pay my parents $87k in “back rent”

    When I first graduated college, my parents said I'd need to pay "rent" of $1,000 a month for living at home. This went on for 63 months (about 5 years). They also gave me around $24,000 during that time for miscellaneous expenses.
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • But they never actually collected the rent from me. I assumed this was their way of teaching me to budget or save responsibly, not something they actually expected to collect. My mom even said she thought my dad's plan was to make sure I was saving.
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • Recently, out of nowhere, they've said I owe them $87,000 for all that back rent. I told them I didn't think that was fair, especially since I couldn't have afforded to move out back then, and culturally it would've been frowned upon for me to leave home right after college.
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • offered to repay the $24k they gave me for other expenses, but my dad got angry and started listing all the other things he covered like my phone bill, car insurance ($250/month), utilities, food, etc. The conversation got heated, and eventually he said, "Pay whatever you want." I said $24k, and he got upset again. I finally just said "OK" to the $87k to end the argument because he was getting aggressive.
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • For context, my parents are very well off. My dad makes about nine times my annual income. They don't need the money, and I genuinely thought the "rent" was a budgeting exercise, not something I'd owe years later. So Reddit, AITA for refusing to pay them $87k in back rent, or is my dad the asshole for demanding it now
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • EDIT: For those wondering, I lived at my parents house until June. I have the 87k saved up in a separate account. My position is I don't think I should pay him cause he's loaded and I was struggling for a while
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: That makes me the asshole because I wouldn't follow through with my word
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • Lighthouse_on_Mars NTA, Don't pay. I'm from a different culture as well, and I'm guessing if anyone in your extended family found out your parents were trying to do this, they would feel ashamed. It's about control. That's literally all this is. You're older and more independent and they are upset about that.
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • They set a trap for you. You don't owe them anything. Especially as you said, you family is just fine financially. They truly do not care about the money, it's just about having control over you.
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • Here's the hard lesson, your parents will not respect you unless you make them. Bowing down to their wishes will only make them realize that they can control you even as an adult. You need to stick to your guns and not pay them a cent. And if they want to cut you off, let them. Because I guarantee you they will come crawling back when they realize that you don't need them and you won't come back to them.
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • It's exactly what I did to my family. I moved out of the house and they cut me off for it. They thought I was going to come crawling back and I never did. After 3 years they came crawling back to me and they now understand if they don't give me proper respect | will cut them out of my life.
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • Tiny-Party2857 As a mom whose kiddos have lived at home on and off while in college and working, I have happily covered car insurance, groceries, insurance and a multitude of other expenses. I've never asked for a dime. Are your folks freaking out about retirement? I think it's odd to be charging your children.... Hoping this gets resolved and not damaging to your relationship.
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • TheThirteenthCylon ⚫ INFO: How did they go 63 months without ever collecting a cent from you if they were charging you rent?
    via Careful_Educator_199
  • immajustgooglethat It's horrible people like this who will wonder why they aren't invited to their child's wedding and have no relationship with their grandchildren. Your parents are nasty people.
    via Careful_Educator_199

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